The Do NOT PLAY List

To be truthful, I already have one.  A musician.  And I kinda like him.  But, the other night, when I was watching my man rock out at Bergamot Alley, I got ta' thinking about music.  And sexytime.  You know, what works and what goes, well, limp.

Given my affinity for the singer/songwriter genre, I crafted this ad for Austin, Texas.  Following is the ad, posted on January, 3.  Below it, you'll find a list of the top ten "DO NOT PLAY" during sexytime songs, per the gracious gentlemen of Austin.  And speaking of those gracious gentlemen (well, most of them), turns out, a few of them are pretty good musicians too, so, I've posted some links for your musical perusal.    

Oh, and to the girl in the black-mini dress dancing solo in front of my man the other night; back off, bi-atch, he's already found his muse.

So, without further adieu, here are the top ten DO NOT PLAY songs:

10.  Coast of Marseseilles (Jimmy Buffett)
 9.  It's Like Romeo and Juliet (Sylk E. Fyne)
 8.  Achy Breaky Heart (Billy Ray Cyrus)
 7.  Sweet Home Alabama (Lynyrd Skynyrd)
 6.  The Devil Went Down to Georgia (Charlie Daniels)
 5.  Your Body is a Wonderland (John Mayer)
 4.  867-5309/Jenny (Tommy Tutone)
 3.  The theme from Sesame Street
 2.  Bohemian Rhapsody (Queen)
 1.  Hey Mickey (Toni Basil)


Lucky for us, some of the dudes who responded to the ads were musicians, so I took the liberty of making a little list of the work of some that made me go "aww..." or "haa..." or "..."

1.  Too Far Behind (Tim Jones)
2.  Amber Alert Beer (Joshua Hanson)
3.  I Used to Love Her Again (featuring a Mr. 9th Wonder)
4.  The Walls Are Coming Down (Fanfarlo)
5.  Streetcar (Stewart Gersmann)

Finally, I'd like to thank all participants, willing, or not.  And to my man, for editing the large list of "DO NOT PLAY" songs down to a manageable--and sensible--ten.  Merci!

Happy Thanksgiving -- From Johnna Gattinella

In honor of Thanksgiving, here's a CL post from Chicago, IL. Post was live for 4 days and received 118 replies.

FAKE HUSBAND FOR A DAY - W4M - 31

Wanna have Thanksgiving with someone else's dysfunctional family?

So, I might as well disclose right now; I'm kind of a big-fat liar (not physically big-fat, just the liar part). My parents live in Schamburg and I'm living out in California...Go Niners! I'm going home for Thanksgiving (this is where you come in) with my 'new husband' (again, you). I'm flying into O'Hare on Wednesday night, picking you up, and driving out to my parent's the following morning to share a traditional fare of Thanksgiving.

The food: it's the usual; dry turkey, soggy stuffing, cranberry (the canned kind), that green bean casserole thing with the unidentifiable crunch brown strings on top, and one amazing pumpkin souffle (made by yours truly).

The family; probably similar to yours. Or not. Mom and Dad are overbearing and nosy. Brother has the perfect family (wife, 2.5 kids--literally, she's due in February, white picket fence, and he's a fireman). Uncle George and Aunt Edna smell funny and can't hear worth a damn. And my sister--she's a stripper. For real.

The lie: We eloped to Tahoe in June. You're a pharmaceutical rep (mostly for anti-inflammatory drugs). We met in line at Peet's coffee and got in an argument over the last blackberry scone. We've been in love ever since. You've talked to my Dad on the phone, once (played by my gay roommate, Keith) and talked mostly about how hard the Cubs blow balls. Yeah, so he thinks you're pretty cool.

Me: Marketing Consultant for Napa/Sonoma wineries. Attractive, thin, kind, quirky, and sometimes a liar (but just little white ones).

You: Available on Thanksgiving Day. A good poker face. Knowledge of the Cubs helps. Oh, and maybe you could read up on some new (legal) drugs. I never told them what you look like...so more options there.

Please save me. I'll promise no more elaborate lies after this one.

Lark

***

Favorite Replies:

From: "Zyle" redacted@yahoo.com

I'll do it but you have to help me out come Christmas time. I live in Chicago, but my parents live in Long Island. I'm going home for Christmas,and you (Should you agree of course) will fly in to accompany me to go see the family.

It's a slightly atypical household. Mom talks to much and will almost certainly disapprove of you. You'll have to put up with her constant but subtle criticisms, so I'd advise you to spend a considerable amount of time watching "Everybody loves Raymond" and picturing yourself in Debrah's shoes when she's accosted by Raymond's mother.

My father gets drunk and has tantrums every family get together and will probably call you a whore and/or bitch at some time as the evening progresses.

My younger brother will spend most of the time ogling your behind, which isn't so bad considering that uncle Ramos is definitely going to be there, and he won't stop at just ogling, but may decide to make use of his exploratory hands too.

If my lesbian cousin Farrah shows up, she'll hit on you too, but she's easy to ward off.

Of course the previous warnings are based solely on your hotness level, which I'm assuming from your email is off the charts. If you're fat then nobody will really pay any attention to you (except for mom, who will undoubtedly mention your weight somehow).

Naturally, you need to be well versed in our "background" before we embark on this adventure. We met in Chicago on the 'El, when some sudden turbulence made me lose my footing, and I fell straight into your loving arms, which you didn't really appreciate; So you slapped me and set the CTA police on me at the next stop. But when you saw my tearful sniveling and whining as I tried to weasel my ways out of being handcuffed, something clicked inside you, and you set me free. To summarize the rest of the story, we eventually moved in together, procured two cats (we named them "tobacco" and "garlic"), and you're contemplating quiting your current full time job as a waitress at Huxley's Pub, to be a full time house-gf, because my employment as a suave salesman with the "Mens Wearhouse" is more than adequate to support us both.


Do reply and we can see if we can come to a mutually beneficial agreement.

***

FROM: "Ivan" redacted@yahoo.com

You're an idiot.

***

FROM: "Matthew" redacted@myway.com

Dear Lark,

No, you didn't! If you had, you wouldn't have said he's a pharmaceutical rep. If you had your father would have said 'no you're lying, definitely a drug dealer for our daughter.' Why don't you blow off the family meal and come to my thanksgiving instead? Tell the folks your husband's sales record tumbled and he was fired him, and, not knowing how his new wife's family would judge him he off-ed himself on the way to the airport. This way your family will feel guilty for their role in your man's death, and you'll be -guiltlessly- free to have your Thanksgiving meal with me, and my friends (err, plan the funeral). I live in Hyde Park, near the U. of Chicago, teach college, and am having a thanksgiving full of interesting people who don't smell bad (although, from the likely noise of the meal, they may, like certain of your family members, either be deaf or on the way). Let me know if you'd like to come, it's a serious offer. My name is Matt.

***

FROM: "Bill Bill" redacted@lycos.com

is your stripper sister single????

***

FROM: "Norton" redacted@comcast.net

You're either insane or a great writer.

I'd help you out in a heartbeat, but I'm on work release and my ankle bracelet alerts the State patrol if I travel south of Lake Cook Road. Don't ask.

I printed your ad and posted it on the dorm bulletin board. We each get 30minutes of computer time a week, there's 18 of us in a pod. I know of at least 5 who will have passes for Thanksgiving. ( little suk-asses) I'm sure someone will take you up on your offer. If it's Lenny, go ahead and let him drink. I'd love to see the little dirtball get popped on the way back in.

I expect a full report!!

Norton

***

Thank you all, for all of the replies, the suggestions, and the offers to come to my rescue. Today, I'm thankful for the wonderful world that is Craigslist.

Happy Thanksgiving,

Johnna

Foodie Seeks Same

What We Wouldn’t do for a Free Meal

If the saying is true; the way to a man’s heart is through his stomach, then I’m in trouble. Looks can snag a man and perky physical attributes can certainly keep him distracted, but over the long run, like three weeks from now, he’s probably going to expect something other than microwaved popcorn and peanut butter sandwiches, right?

Thanks be to great restaurants.

So the cat’s out of the bag; I can’t cook. But that doesn’t mean that I don’t adore edibles. I’m always a size or two larger than I’d like to be. Especially when I'm in a fitting room, and it’s not from lack of physical activity. Ahem.

Food is important--almost as important as oxygen and sexy-time. I love food. Actually let me be a little more specific; I love great food. And by great food I don’t mean over priced morsels presented on silver platters by Oreo-chic waiters with pressed linens draped over their arms, probably ironed with locally-grown lavender scented linen water.

Not that I discount it, because it too can be great at times. But, I’m talking about great food that sticks to your ribs as much as it sticks in your long-term memory – like that simple wood-fired bagel from Montreal’s heralded St. Viader bakery that I ate a year ago and remains in my head as if it were this morning.

Being the epicurean princess that I’ve solely deemed myself, I am extremely fortunate to live in an area ripe with restaurants and eateries made up of a glutton’s fairytales -- thirty-four Michelin starred restaurants to be exact. And I delight in the choices when mealtime comes around. So posing as a restaurant reviewer wasn’t too far of a stretch as I was planning my escapade on Craigslist. After all, it wasn’t like I was offering to cook.

I needed a hook, I needed a line, and I needed a damn good restaurant to counter-balance the post that was riddled with folly and authored by an undeniable crackpot, respectively.

So I whipped up my post for Craigslist, under “Strictly Platonic” and titled it “Foodie Seeks Same.”

Turns out, free is key and great food might actually be a good start to falling in love.


The Post:

Foodie Seeks Same - w4m - 26 (noe valley)
------------------------------------------
Reply to: pers-250033333@craigslist.org

All expenses paid to accompany a restaurant reviewer. Next Thursday at9:00pm. Restaurant to be named.

Please do not respond if you are a crackhead, a drunk, a rapist/murder,an unpleasant conversationalist, a pathalogical liar, or an asshole. Also, no dentures--sorry, just a personal preference. I'm working on it with my therapist.

Also, no communicable diseases or viruses as we will be sharing courses.

Looks not important.

Please send photo.

P.S. I do carry pepper spray.

***

And the replies from San Francisco rushed in...

REDACTEDketchup@aol.com
Subject: Foodie Seeks Same - w4m - 26 (noe valley)
To: pers-250033333@craigslist.org

Hey listen.. a restaurant reviewer w pepper spray?
Just go to on of those trendy Thai places and order hot.
If you want a thai/ cambodian dish you have never had before and cannot get anywhere else in SF... send your picture....that will give me time to figure out how to read my Kodak Easy Share instruction manual, take my pic and send it to you.
If you're really lucky....I'll bring you a bottle of my Broken Dam Ranch Merlot..
Auvoir.

***

Subject: heretical proposal
To: pers-250033333@craigslist.org

Wha? A date where the guy doesn't have to pay? Wow,that would be a new and welcome change. Be carefulas you may be upsetting the balance of the cosmos withsuch heretical proposals. Anyways, count me in, I'm ready to get my yum on. (A very, very nice man). 

***

"Allen REDACTED" allen_REDACTED@comcast.net
To:pers-250033333@craigslist.org
Subject: RE: Foodie Seeks Same - w4m - 26 (noe valley)

Good morning, this is Allen. Yup, I'm a bit of a foodie... I love to cook and bake so accompanying you sounds like a grand adventure! I'm white and live in San Francisco, 5'10", thin (160 lbs., work out regularly), non smoker; I have deep dark brown eyes, and a shaved head. (Attached is a picture from bread school—a hobby of mine.)I'm intelligent (Harvard and Stanford degrees), I've got a great sense of humor (I even used to do some stand up). If you think we might hit it off, please write back! Allen

***

Other edited replies:

You claim that looks aren't important, and immediately ask for a picture. To a mathematician, that seems contradictory.

Hey listen.. a restaurant reviewer w pepper spray? Just go to on of those trendy Thai places and order hot.

That pepper spray--something that goes in the salad dressing, or something to protect you from smartalecks like me?

Calling all Roys or Troys or Leroys

Roy: The New Generation

Roy, as a name, doesn’t seem like an obvious choice for a second generation Italian boy. At least it didn’t for me. Not to be stereotypical, but I couldn’t picture too many Roy’s who weren’t Stetson-sporting, southern-living, truck-driving gentlemen.

Here are the only references I’d had pre- Roy:

Roy Rogers
Roy Orbison
Roy Clark
Roy Campanella

Three out of the four wore cowboy boots and one wore a catcher’s mask, so there you go. There’s no doubt it’s a stereotype, but what can I say? I live a sheltered life here in California.

So when Roy, my one and only Roy, who has definitely never, ever donned a pair of boots with a pointy toe and a stacked heel, nor a catcher’s mask for that matter, proposed marriage to me, I seized the opportunity and had it inked into my fair and freckled skin.

Why? I don’t really know. I, for one, don’t really like tattoos and had never thought before of getting one. Even when all of my best friends succumbed to the Chinese-character-craze that swept our nation, I refrained.

And I’m not really one to make huge, sweeping proclamations of love; gestures, perhaps. When it comes to saying something, I’d rather act than speak. I’d rather whisper than talk. Apparently I’d rather get something permanent injected, by needle, into my skin than say the words “I’m yours forever.” We all have our issues.

No one, including Roy, thought the tattoo was a good idea. Not my Mom, not my friends, not Roy’s nor my family, not even Danah, the woman who gave me the tattoo. “Are you sure you really want to ink someone’s name into your skin?” I just kept focusing on the sign hanging on the wall stating: $50 fee for passing out, $300 fee for vomiting, and nodding my head.

So now it’s there, forever, imprinted on my back. And not that I would ever entertain thoughts of my life without my Roy, I couldn’t help but wonder about my tattoo on one particular day--probably a day when he teased me one too many times about always having peanut butter in my hair—what if?

Well, I decided, I’m definitely not getting rid of the tattoo, so I devised the mother of all back-up plans and searched for that someone special who could fit themselves into my life and my tattoo.

Not to worry my darling, Roy; I’ve always got you and you’ve always got my back…literally.

The post (click to enlarge):



And...then came the replies:

From: "Roy" REDACTED@gmail.com

To: pers-452819425@craigslist.org

Subject: Calling all Roys or Troys or LeRoys - 27

Hi,

I think 20 people have emailed me your ad since it came out saying
"you MUST answer this!" And hey, it's a great ad too, so I figured,
after my latest round of travels, now that I'm back in town, why not
sit down and write?

The hardest part for me is to write something about myself that won't seem like I'm either a total loser or an utter git. So I'll give it a shot. I'm 32, a graduate student at UT and a recovering techie.

I don't know how to explain who I am in an email, because if I tell
you that I love boxing, heavy metal, motorcycles and the like, then
you get one impression of me. But if I tell you that I love cooking(especially soups, that's why I'm happy it's getting a little cooler),indie movies and jazz, then you get another picture of me.

Most importantly, my name is Roy...

Write me back if you like. It would be fun to hear from you.

--
Thanks,
Roy

***

From: "Roy REDACTED Ctr CS/SCBX/SCBT/P" REDACTED.ctr@pentagon.af.mil

To: pers-452819425@craigslist.org

Even though I imagine you got about 3 million responses from every Roy, Troy, or LeRoy…..I, as you can see, carry the exact moniker you are looking for. Now while the distance may be a bit far between us, since we already know you love me, distance will mean nothing!!!

I hope to hear from you soon!!!!

Roy REDACTED, ContractorAdministrator, Unique Systems 844 CS/SCBT/P844th Communications SquadronTel: (703) REDACTED DSN: 222-REDACTED

***

From: "erica scott"
Subject: tee hee
To: pers-452819425@craigslist.org

okay, so you probably already know... but your ad made craigslist's "best of"... that's how i came to be reading it, even tho i'm a girl. no, no, no, don't get all freaked out, i'm not writing to hit on you. just wanted to let you know.... your tattoo artist played a trick on you.... i oughtta know, i'm a tattoo artist myself, and i do it all the time.... when some nice young girl (or guy) comes into my shop and asks me for a name, if they absolutely insist on getting it, i make up some really nice convincing reason why that tattoo would just look so much better with some color of lettering OTHER than black.... now you wanna know the reason? cause now that you've gotten roy out of your life, you can get him off your skin too!!! there's no reason you can't re-outline and fill in that tattoo in the same color purple as the name or a slightly darker purple and no one will ever know it was there!!! and don't worry it'll still be just as cute and you don't have to monkey up your ju-ju with another roy... if that tattoo's as small as it looks it shouldn't cost you more than $50.... and if it's relatively new (4-6 weeks) you might even be able to sweet talk the original artist into doing it for free..... OR i work at a shop in northwest austin... if you're interested if getting it fixed it probably wouldn't take more than 15 or 20 minutes... feel free to drop me a line!!!

***

From: joelREDACTED@aol.com
Subject: Calling all Roys or Troys or LeRoys – 27
To: pers-452819425@craigslist.org

Have you considered changing the "R" to a "B" and adding an "s?" This would make it "Boys" and will be a simple statement of your sexual preference! After that you're free to date any name that comes along, like Joel for instance.

***

From: REDACTED@aol.com
Subject: Calling all Roys or Troys or LeRoys - 27
To: pers-452819425@craigslist.org

My middle name is Ray.....does that work? And honestly I would rather have you say someone else's name in bed and be with me than say my name and be with them........maybe we can chat

Dinner with my boss

If I'm Lyin'...I'm Buyin'

I don’t think there’s a single soul on this planet who hasn’t exaggerated or stretched the truth a bit when it comes to impressing someone. I include myself, clearly. What may start small and well intentioned often snowballs into something more dangerous and threatening. Which is why, my dear, we really shouldn’t lie at all. Easier said than done, right?

Let’s first differentiate between fibs that are acceptable and lies that are not:

Fibbing is okay when:
- one is trying not to hurt someone else’s feelings
- the story one tells cannot possibly injure another being
- one is covering up a surprise

Lying is never okay.

But, let’s say, like all of us have, you did begin that slippery slope of ‘truthiness,’ and you’re quickly gaining momentum towards exposure and, let’s face it; eternal damnation.

It’s a tough call; you can (A) continue with a skewed representation or (B) fold your cards, tuck your tail between your legs, and limp back to your substandard life.

The angelic option, former in its sequence, is the one that my mother would be pointing her rigid finger at right now. Demanding nothing less than the cold, hard, boring, and tragically stunning reality.

“Are you telling a story?” my mother would question when she smelled a fib. In all cases, to the best of my recollection, my answer was consistently, inconvincibly, and emphatically “No!” Even when the chocolate cake was completely finished, and the only crumbs remaining lay on my freckled face in the shape of a fu-man-chu, still “No!”

I’m not sure if it’s because I’m an Aquarius or if it’s just human nature in general that I prefer the path of least resistance, but I do. And if the road to hell is paved with good intentions, then the road to heaven is pebbled with bad white lies. So I admit it. Sometimes I opt for the easiest way and most times it’s ‘storying’ (as my mother later shortened it).

As we get older and more practiced in our craft, it seems that the psudo-reality we paint gets more elaborate. This is why, at times, we must enlist fellow storytellers to assist during our time of need. All the while, we’re swearing to all ancestors and God above that if we get out of ‘this one,’ we’ll never do it again.

I ventured out to find some creative-Craiglisters eager to fib through their grins in order to get me out of my self-induced predicament. There are some very willing participants out there. And they’re really nice people too.

Either that, or they’re lying.

The Post:

And the replies...

From: REDACTED@gmail.com>
To:pers-447483032@craigslist.org
Subject:re: dinner with your boss

Given that you were nice enough to ask, I have complied with your pictographic requests. ;) They may not be the best of quality, but they're ... there :)

Sadly, you would not believe the sheer volume of information I for some reason happen to know about commercial real estate, or at least more than the average lay person who otherwise may not know some of the inner-workings of that particular industry, and respectively the trials and tribulations which go into mentoring disadvantaged children, (which I imagine to typically refer to as "disadvantaged youth") or an alternative perspective may very well be to work with those with strife in their life, who are looking to achieve and fulfill their full potential!

I like soup, and the allure that is life. Do take care, christopher

From: REDACTED@yahoo.fr
Subject: nice restaurant
To: pers-447483032@craigslist.org

Hello,
so your proposition is nice, and if I can have a back massage after the dinner, the evening will be perfect. So first of all don't stress, everything is going to be alright.

Thank you for all the tips about you, they are really random and surprising. So maybe I can tell you more about me:
I'm 32
French (with accent)
I'm an architect and I'm interested in real estate (which is not really good these last months)
I never take bath, and I don't know how you find time for a bath in the morning! ;o)
I eat almost everything

I have really good maners, nothing to compare with most american guys.
I'm a gentleman.
And ok I'm going to make researches about mentoring disadvantaged children.
Sorry I don't have a picture of me feet.
Have a good evening and I hope to see you tomorrow night.

Bisous
Laurent
PS: you're cute :o)

And more edited replies:

I might be free tomorrow night... here's a pic of me to start the "due diligence"...

stats: SWM, 30, 5'-11", athletic & fit, educated (MBA), fun, playful, blah, blah, blah... I work and live on the peninsula.. I'm in Venture Capital on Sand Hill Road in Menlo Park...

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